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my newest obsession . . . .   
September 28th, 2006

in need of some change....   
September 12th, 2006
  so i want to dye my hair red again, and i'm looking for the right red, like tori amos back in the day when there were so many shades to chose from.
so if anyone knows a good red send me a message with the pic and i'll really appreciate it. thanks.

some possibilities...

maybe i could do an orange....

i know this is a photo-shopping color but i like it...

this color i LOVE...

i had to... i love him...

ok, so yea, send me stuff people, please!
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my new favorite picture...   
April 12th, 2006
things to add to my shopping list...   
April 6th, 2006
  critique of pure reason - immanuel kant
the birth of tragedy - friedrich nietzsche
history of ancient art - johann winckelmann
unfashionable observations - friedrich nietzsche
the gay science - friedrich nietzsche
thus spoke zarathustra, a book of all and none - friedrich nietzsche
the antichrist - friedrich nietzsche
philosophy of right - hegel
concerning civil government, second essay (1690) - john locke
i'm so sorry chris (barron)...   
April 6th, 2006
  some stuff to save for those rainy days Read more...Collapse )

and ending on that note,
so yeah...   
March 30th, 2006
  this morning i found the first four chapters to one of my novels, which i thought had gotten lost when my dad moved my files, so this means there are like 8 chapters of that one! i was only able to retreive the smaller stuff, like poems and short stories, but all the other novel chapters, and there were five other books, got lost, and i'm really really pissed about that, but this helps a little...  
because he's just that pretty....   
March 15th, 2006

compliments of Mary...
since i haven't done this in a while...   
March 9th, 2006
mood: bitchy
yea i found a teacher here who can help me get published, and another whose surprisingly supportive out of nowhere, and another who wants to read my work, and another who wants to take me out to bizarre clubs to meet people who might inspire some of my work, so all in all i think i'll get a lot done this semester. if i'm not driven crazy by someone.

there's someone, well there's a few, but i don't care enough to do all that much about it lately, so if something happens it's got absolutely nothing to do with me! i'm incredibly lazy when it comes to relationships so i've got way too much to focus on right now anyway. everything seems to be going to well, and productive, and like i actually might get a piece done and set out into the real world. it all feels so close, but that's happened all too many times before and has fallen through, so i've learned to drown my hopes before they start screaming.
my patience ran out at about noon today so i'm not in the greatest mood. this entry is kind of pissing me off now so i'm gonna go.
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they're all wrong....   
February 16th, 2006
mood: pissed off
i just read a review of white oleander, comparing astrid to an aryan vampire in definement and dangerous power. that is not what fitch was going for, this critic is wrong. i would hate to review books without understanding the author's reasoning, or is that going against my job? do you have to write about the emotions it creates or the actual story? i think this woman picked the wrong column to bitch in.
the writer, a miss alexandra lange, wrote that it's a series of nightmares, something most parents wouldn't wish upon their children, yet somehow she drops slowly from high class prostitution to clear white trash. WRONG! she was kept as beautiful and real in the first couple lines as those in the last, and full-circle i might add, chapter. and then she goes on to say that uncle ray sexually abused astrid, because there was no reason why a pure girl would want a man like him, no! she made the first move, she was attracted to the comfort because she'd never had that before, that whole line where she tells star she never knew her father, she meant it. that was the only time she didn't bullshit w/her first foster mother. i don't think this woman actually read this book, because if she wasn't ranting off some stored up pms she could see the amazing realism portrayed in this perfect novel.
i'm not being a hypocrite just because i tend to see things differently. i am able to find things others didn't see, but i don't clearly ingore the central themes of a plot because i don't like the way its unfolding. fuck you miss lange if you can't see the defined potential when it smothers your emotions. stay away from my janet fitch.
good bye.

and i just found out she's got a new book, called best friends, and i'm going to order it from amazon. i can't find any review on it, but i don't think i'd trust them anyway.

and there's another one coming out in 2007, called paint it black! god i love her!

and i just foung out hole put our a book too, and i love courtnet love, so yea, i need this one too...
it's called pretty on the inside

plus that marilyn manson book, the long hard road out of hell, good stuff....

because they're both that cool....

and for a bit of a balance, because i love her too (and so does the eternal "he"...)

the world is full of beauty......
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pics for liz's birthday card....   
February 9th, 2006

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just something i found out....   
October 12th, 2005
mood: happy
just got this email, if anyone is interested you should go for it...


and p.s., i met this guy in my english class today, chris, whose a writer, kind of, he did stuff with his paper and has a few short stories, and i'm meeting him for lunch now! isn't that cute, i never find these people, i love talking about writing! he's also a drummer in a rock band, which adds to the fairly large list of drummers i've dated. i'm not interested, it's just funny that i know so many.... makes me miss jim though, i'll call him later, i hope he's free tomorrow cause i'm off...

k, got to go meet my lunch date, later....

i got out of my meeting too late, he had to leave for class, maybe next time. he is part of the medieval times club and they were having a meeting over funding because a mother called in to complain it was too violent, but it's retarded because her kid isn't in the club so i don't see the problem. so i told him i wish they win, i feel bad, that's horrible.

my sweatshirt is totally soaked and cold, my lips were shaking when i went outside, and soon i'm going to have to wait in the cold for the bus and then freeze on that during a 40 minute drive, where once i'm dried off and cold i have to go back in the rain and walk about 20 minutes to get to my house. not fun. i wish i was warm snuggled up a blanket and someone else. i hate the cold, it's the only thing i don't like about weather. i love the rain, it makes me smile and i'll play it in, as long as i keep warm. but there's a lot of wind outside and it's getting dark and i just want to get out of here.

i was right, the tampa bay game did piss joe off, i knew it! i was stuck in the airport of sunday, cause my flight home was delayed, so i'm in the bar with dad, and jets are running around like they got their heads cut off. not good man, it was sad, even for the jets! i think they're going to be my team this year, just out of pity, cause they need the love. joe was kind when i said that, lol, i thought he might get mad, who knows. he likes them, he agreed it's the coach that's running them into the ground, they've had a great team for years but the plays are retarded. what are you gonna do, i mean, they have no one else, and with a ego like his he's not going to listen to anyone when they try to help out. the games are still fun to watch though, lol, once you stop screaming and face the facts...
i guess i look at it like a girl, that's what he said, haha, cause when i feel bad i think i said something like "don't you want to just go give them a hug and tell them it'll be ok?" and he's like "NO, THEY'RE FOOTBALL PLAYERS!" i wish our school had a football team. lol, maybe i should go to some melville games, just for the hell of it, cause OUR TEAM SUCKED!!!!! it could be fun though, i'll drag a bunch of people, we'll get joe and his girlfriend, jess cause she was going to come anyway, jim, ian cause i know he won't want to! and a whole lot of people, just so we can hang out there, maybe logan and greg, that would be funny! wouldn't it be great if they turned into the new will and nick?! i know, it'll never happen, but just you wait and see, they're gonna be friends soon, even if i have to force it out of them by god they will get along one day.... or not, who knows. i'm tired and cold, i can't be held accountable for anything i say.... if it wasn't cold outside i'd want to play some football tonight. but no, not now. haha, i know i'm gonna get slapped for this, but sean said he'd play too, can you believe it?! sean mosier, stomping around, throwing people through brick walls and playing one hell of a defensive line, all by himself though, could be fun.... the irish giant could crush the world if he got angry enough, so lets not give him a reason! no, he's a nice guy.

i think i have to get blood work done tomorrow, which sucks, so i hope not. i forgot to tell mom i had off, but she planned the appointment anyway, saying i'd have to miss some class, but i just remembered this morning so i'll tell her when i get home, it all works out i guess, except for the needle part, and spending less time with jess/whoever i see tomorrow, i should take her with me! then my mommy could hold my hand as they drew my blood... or not, kind of creepy.

i miss annette, i hope i get to see her soon. i finally got all my pictures developed, i left them at home, i'll put them on the computer tomorrow morning, but there was one of her and it made me so happy! and the one of eric and i came out really good, he's so cute! spin doctors are the greatest band ever! most of my art pictures look good, but the ones of friends came out pretty bad, too grainy cause it was a disposible. oh well, right? sure, why the fuck not...

i told agostino, my new oatis (don't tell him i said that!), that i had a poem i'd bring him next week and he got all excited cause he liked the stuff i gave him before. i love my evolution meetings, they make me feel so smart! and we have so much fun, god the laughter never ends! these people are great, and the teacher is brilliant beyond comprehension. i need to pick my classes for next semester too, cause i really need to get his class. i do miss oatis though, i'll email him tomorrow morning. with some writing. and an apology for waiting so long.

k, i gtg catch the bus and freeze my ass off, lol, or not, cause it's huge. i love my ass....

peace and love
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just so you know....   
October 11th, 2005
mood: accomplished
i don't remember if i put this here, but i set up a xanga i use just for writing so if anyone wants to check it out be my guest: http://www.xanga.com/melting_pulchritude

here's the latest thing i put on there, i've put it in some lj writing communities, but i changed it a bit...

American Maid

I try to trace the outlines left by your eyes

with my pen like a weapon writing your wrongs

as you stare through the souls of strangers.

When I cut through the air can you feel it?

Does it hurt you, like it hurts me?

Is it hurting those people you have to pay attention to?

When they turn to look away,

there's nothing you can say but "sorry".

You never bother apologizing.

You just keep glaring back.

Yet sparks fly out,

not from them but from you,

under the color of swirled pupils

from what feels like nowhere;

behind the brick house of your childhood.

They come from hidden memories you only tell

people you meet on business trips,

the ones you introduce your fake name and lifestyle to.

I guess this was one of your innocent civilians.

He think he can tell by the color of the reflected particles

where they wish they were.

He thinks he's brilliant.

I don't have that kind of patience

so I might have knocked him over,

trying to clean up the mess that's not mine.

But I stopped and just let him spin,

and for the first time I can see the sparks.

They're searching for space,

deeper than the time between the stupid things I say,

and while I'm finger dusting to find his reason

I'm once again distracted by the flecks of light

that lost the will to dance,

waiting under lids with hopes to see the sun.

I still don't know why I love to watch them

drifting and floating along,

blowing in your winding mind.

The sounds of percolation drips louder than the alarm he forgot to turn off.

I'm awake enough to know

he's already spilled some coffee.

My eyes dart around the room looking for an explanation to the morning,

and a clean rag.

Sunlight made your imagination dance a little faster

when the dawn came up asking.

Maybe you'll actually do something today.

That day you promised your babies,

the newborn ideas,

that you'd let them go;

it never came.

You forgot,

left them in a cage,

and they died.

They died alone and lonely

waiting for the beginning of somewhere.

Their insides couldn't hold the excitement and they popped.

Broken fragments shattered all they never got to learn.

I might as well crawl back inside you

and picked up the pieces myself.

You can't just leave them there.

They're your children for Christ's sake.

But you did,

because you know if you wait long enough

I'd do it all for you.

yup yup, got class in a while, should really get going. later dudes....
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got a minute or two....   
October 10th, 2005
mood: tired
so i got back from north carolina last night, had to fly in to la guardia so i could make it on time, and holly picked me up and drove me home so it all worked out.
i got over my cold/sickness too, i don't know what the hell it was but it was not fun. i never get sick, weird, but i got fevers and sore throats and sore muscles and upset bellys and headaches and sneezing and the works. it went away as of yesterday morning, but the high altitude from the flight made my nose fill back up with blood, but it went away a lot faster this time, which is good i guess....
i'm going to bjs to finally pick up my pictures tonight, so i'll put them on the internet tomorrow morning. i get a ride with ed so i'll get here about 3 hours early, which should be plenty of time to figure it all out.
i need some breakfast, gonna go.
and love
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slight distraction....   
September 28th, 2005
mood: amused
god is she not the cutest thing you've EVER seen!!!

i want that dress!!!!

sorry, lol, my rant is done. but just look at her... jesus....
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i can't wait until friday....   
September 14th, 2005
mood: happy
jess and i are going out on friday but i want to talk to her now!!! i'm in some serious need for girl talk, but i want to go to her, i guess i'll have to wait then.... i don't have time to call today.

i think i'm going after class though to get my digital camera and drop off the 7 disposible cameras i have.... and most importantly...


i'll need to figure out how to use my new camera for saturday, i've got this concert to go to, and i definetely want some pics cause yea, i might have a huge crush on somebody in the band.... but who knows, and yea, for friday too, lol, jess and i can go around doing stupid things, oh i know! we could go to the mall and try on dresses and take pictures of us all dressed up with tiara's and stuff! i want a tiara for my birthday! if anyone wants to get me one that would be awesome. just a simple plastic shiny one, but not the small cumb ones cause they look weird and don't fit right....

shit, i got to get to class! bye
just another idea for the book....   
September 13th, 2005
mood: peaceful
so i was thinking about getting a digital camera with my birthday money from dad, and then i thought it would be really cool if i save some pictures from ideas for stories and add them into my autobiography/journal thing, at a later date.
here's my idea: sometimes i'll take pictures of random things because they place good backgrounds to stories. so what if i save those pictures and when i make that "about me" book once i'm famous, i can add the pics in with a footer that has a quote that provoked the pictures. like if i have a picture of an old train yard, here, like this...

"dark don't follow the minians to bondage"
page one
Dark Don't Follow

awesome. yea, i've been saving up to get my 7 rolls developed, with the picture cds and stuff, plus i got cash and gift cards, so i can use some of the gift card money cause best buy has digital camera's right? yea i'm sure they do, that would save me a lot.
so i just talked to ryan quick, he's doing good, and alyssa is coming up to visit him this weekend, which is so cool. she's so sweet and they're really cute together. i'm glad they stayed together.

so tonight is that coffee house thing, and i saw joe here yesterday morning, but i was too tired and didn't say hi. i'll say hi tonight. i want annette and jess to come with me, otherwise i don't know if i feel like going. we'll see.... i guess i can make some phone calls when i get home....
mom might be able to take me right to best buy when she gets home and then drop me off at cool beanz. i want to go today because THE NEW SPIN DOCTORS CD IS RELEASED TODAY! ISN'T THAT SO COOL?! THE DAY AFTER MY BIRTHDAY, THAT HAS TO BE A SIGN..... so yea i want to get that like now!!!! dude, it's probably in there right now, sitting, waiting for me to go and pick it up.... i'll be there as soon as i can sweetheart!

i still have another 2 hours to waste before jazz class. lol, i think that's so great i can take dance as my gym credit, it's all i ever did in gym anyway. but it's not until 11, so i'll go curl up on a couch in the library and find a book or something. i think the suffolk county community library is my new favorite (personal) place (where i can go to be alone). it's just perfect.

so i think i'll drop the film off today, and then some time next week bring the disks here and try to upload them on myspace, sounds like a plan.

k, the peace is still lingering from yesterday, it feels great! my birthday is always the most peaceful day of the year, and it was so beautiful outside! i had dinner and the party at my uncles so my grandma didn't have to leave, but it was so hot when i came home that i changed into my blue dance recital dress, the one i borrowed from em to do the green concert! it was so comfortable and i felt like i was five with my red hair and sky blue ice-skating-looking dress, made me very happy...

i told myself i wouldn't buy food here, cause i'll lose all my cash, but i'm hungry and they can make me pancakes and omlettes and stuff, and i think i'm hungry. i still can't tell, my stomache hasn't quite healed from whatever i did to it yet. i'm starting to think it's not going to.

i miss my friends, i want to go out and have some fun tonight! anyone whose free go to the shop and we'll hang out, i got to leave my 11 though, just so you know.

k, peace and love
take a wild fuckng guess why i'm so pissed off.....   
August 31st, 2005
  Monday, July 25th, 2005.......

this will be known as the day my dreams were officially crushed...

she's amazing, and beautiful, and talented, and she's won two tony awards, and she's still on broadway, and keeps getting all these jobs, and she's been on tv, and she's got all these great things going for her, but i don't care about any of that because she has the one thing i want!


this reminds me of the movie mean girls, not the actual film but in one of the special features, tiny fey was trying to explain the mentality, that even if a girl never did anything to you, if she has the guy you want you hate her so deeply. i don't care if it's immature, because i just don't! it happened about a month before i met him.... i was too late.......

he's already been divorced once, it could happen again, right?

if anyone has any idea what i'm talking about, you get major bonus points. i don't want to say it outloud, i might start screaming, but if you can guess why i'm so pissed off, you will win the teddy bear!!! fuck, i'll give you four teddy bears, and you can pick which ones, you anyone knows what the fuck i'm bitching about today.

lol, that could be the lamest game i have ever heard, "what's serdock bitching about today?". i'm not that bad! am i???

the answer is no, but seriously, tell me what you think it is....

i'm too angry to type "peace and love" so i'll put something else there instead

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not good.........   
August 15th, 2005
mood: tired
i keep forgeting to tell dad about the spin doctors concert, he's probably going to say no anyway, but it's worth a shot. and when i talk to greg tomorrow i'll see if he's free and then dad can meet him and la de da de da i don't know.... i wanted to talk to ray longer tonight, we had a conversation going i really needed and then my mom came to grab me so i'll call him later. tomorrow maybe.
tomorrow is the coffee thing if anyone cares.........
i came home to a grumbly voice on the machine with a simple and quiet "hi, call me...", i think he's in a mood about something. god i hope it's nothing i did, lol, no it's not me but i could end up making it worse! that's the kind of positive feedback i got from my good twin tonight, she brought seth with her to see us and the skeleton key at loews, so i finally got to meet the obviously real boyfriend, and i got my ian on my shoulder which made me happy, but i want to call ray now, i know he's awake, but it's late, too late to call.... fuck......
i guess this is the part where i play the supportive girlfriend and just let him say whatever he wants, no matter how angry it makes me, because it's for the good of the relationship, lol, she said such horrible things tonight because it's not the traditional role i play, but i've been making quite a few exceptions lately so this is a good thing. lol somehow that statement makes me feel bad, i don't know why, it just does.
i went to see if bill got donnie darko back yet, i wanted to see it when i got home, but that would be a no, oh well, maybe later....
i need sleep.
yesterday was so much fun, the renaissance fair w/ian and chrissy, and it gave me an idea to write a short story about a live chess match but with people i know, it could come out funny if i do it right, we'll see.
ray's got his play for theater three all done, he just needs to type it and then i can read it! so exciting! i think i'll write a play about my good twin and all the crazy things that have happened to her, could be fun.
i don't think i like her new boyfriend, very much at all....
and somehow sean mosier heard greg and i were an official couple, which is weird because he got in trouble stealing from a radio shack and has been in isolation at home, his mom's making him clock 300 hours and christina said he's still got more than 100 to go and the only people aloud to call are her and michelle, so i really want to know how he knows. i mean, he is sean and all and i'm sure he has his ways, but how can he be stalking me from his house? i will get to the bottom of this..... lol, most likely he was talking to greg online maybe, likely, but not really, i'll ask him if he knows tomorrow.
k, night
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good to know..........   
August 11th, 2005
mood: hopeful
there's a spin doctors archive for concert gig info, so yeah, here it is:


this is so cool! i still can't believe they're coming here!!!!
August 9th, 2005
  chris barron sounds so different.... i think i'm going to cry. i'm listening to their new single, "can't kick the habit" and he sounds, well amazing as usually, but i mean, i love him! i love him so much!

here, go listen to it, http://www.spindoctors.com/mp3/Spin_Doctors_-_Can't_Kick_The_Habit_(Radio_Edit).mp3
and tell me what you think. his new sound is so.... good!

so on august 20th their coming to the downtown, the show starts at 11 pm and i got to see if my dad is willing to drive, otherwise mom doesn't like the bar idea at midnight.... can't blame her, but it's spin doctors! i mean come on, i've been waiting 10 years to see them!
i'm on their forum and there is just so much here, wow, they've gone everywhere and there is such a huge fan base! i had no idea! all these songs that were never released and all these concerts i can watch on my computer now, this is the greatest thing ever! i have to call and tell everyone!
i mean, i get to watch him, live in my own home! incredible....

and there's this bonus track to the 1994 "mary jane" single called "woodstock", so check it out:
http://www.spindoctors.com/mp3/Spin_Doctors_-_Woodstock.mp3, very funky, personal.... i like it

and then there's 2 from the 94 release of "cleopatra's cat" single,
"uranium century": http://www.spindoctors.com/mp3/Spin_Doctors_-_Uranium_Century.mp3
and a live version of "stop breaking down" : http://www.spindoctors.com/mp3/Spin_Doctors_-_Stop_Breaking_Down_(Live).mp3

and then there's 4 from "you let your heart go too fast" single break....

"scotch and water blues" (live): http://www.spindoctors.com/mp3/Spin_Doctors_-_Scotch_&_Water_Blues_(Live).mp3

"jimmy olsen's blue" (live): http://www.spindoctors.com/mp3/Spin_Doctors_-_Jimmy_Olsen's_Blues_(Live).mp3

"what my love" (live): http://www.spindoctors.com/mp3/Spin_Doctors_-_What_My_Love_(Live).mp3

"piece of glass" : http://www.spindoctors.com/mp3/Spin_Doctors_-_Piece_of_Glass.mp3

and there are a couple videos too, that make a silly girl like me very very very happy! chris barron is my god!!!

this puts me in the greatest mood!
totally flying.....
above the entire world right now
oh yea baby....
i can fly....
watch me take off...

so yea, good stuff, amazing stuff man, makes me want to explode....
all my dreams are coming true! hahaha, i'm such a dork!
but i have been waiting 10 years for this
and i think it's time
yes, it's time......

if anyone would like to come with me on the 20th, you're welcome to, but
i don't know how much room i'll have in the car so you might have to get
yourself there, if that's ok chicas....

alright, peace and love everyone, peace and lots and lots of love!!!!!!!
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